At this moment, I barely have any tolerance. I ALMOST despise everyone I cross paths with. I want to cause destruction-be completely inappropriate and rude, for once in my life. I’ve always been the good, rational girl…
Sometimes I envision myself taking out the inner frustrations I harbor out in the open, with no warning, amongst a bunch of people I may or may not know.
I just want to stir something-Anything.
I feel so close to doing just that sometimes. Each day that passes, I feel closer and closer to unleashing these restless vibes I cannot help but feel.
I am walked all over constantly. I let it happen, purposefully, but that doesn’t make it any healthier.
Sometimes, I have no choice but to do something completely irrational and unexplainable. However, these are things I usually keep to myself...I act out, unleash my frustrations, and move on. Alone.
But lately, for lack of a better phrase, I’ve been dangerously close to Not Giving A Fuck.
Not giving a fuck about censoring myself and up keeping my wholesome image out open in public.
I know It’s not right. It’s not what I necessarily believe in, but I cannot help it for I am so bitter. So SO bitter. Although I am nowhere near the state of mind, I can see why some sane people are driven to madness.
Not quite, but almost.
I’ve spent most of my waking life understanding and tolerating the irrationality and stupidity of others, and to be quite honest, I am a bit fed up. It’s not fair. I tolerate so much, and barely get anything in return. Is this supposed to make me a better human being? Because, to be honest, I don’t feel any better at all.
I just feel more reckless- more primal. I want to hurt something. I want to hurt someone. Perhaps not necessarily physically, but definitely verbally. Especially psychologically. I want to fuck with someone, just like I am fucked with constantly. Perhaps I bring it upon myself….I cannot help but feel the way I do. I cannot help but be as sensitive as I am…
I am no drama queen. I am a fairly rational person, and I am sure most people would agree-but I feel. I do not take things lightly. One example, If I happen to hurt you accidentally, no matter how minute, It kills me inside. (No matter how nonchalant I am about it.)
So it is what it is. I often feel alone, because no one else will ever go out of their way to censor themselves as much as I do for the benefit of others. While I am sure this isn’t always true, why do I still feel so out of the loop half of the time?
Perhaps I am caught up in a misleading web of 20somethings. If so, someone please let me know that I am being young and ridiculous. PLEASE come and save me from this transitory state of utter stupidity. Here’s to chaos-may it reign down upon this earth and wipe my conscious clean of social rationality. Salute, and fuck you! =)
p.s. I love you all.
Remember that time we snuck out with Chris in his sister's car? We were about 16 years old. I remember being so nervous because it was my first time sneaking out. Me and Chris chugged robotussin and you drove on just a learners permit ha. Remember when we used to talk on the phone almost everynight? We even pulled a few all nighters. And if it we weren't on the phone, we always talked on AIM for hours. Remember that time you took the train to my house in the middle of the night with no shoes and we watched tv? I still chuckle everytime I think about you walking into my house with just socks on. Remember that skii trip we took in high school, where we both attempted to snow bored and failed miserably? What about all those crazy times in chris's basement? Or that time Me and Adriana went to six flags with your ridiculously funny family. Haha remember when we got filmed to be on MTV all because of your idea to Boycott the cafeteria food? Ridiculous. You were always up to something. A true hustler through and through. Always had the best stories. Always had the craziest times. Always mad chill. Moss, I will ALWAYS remember you. So see, you're not really gone...and you never will be.
Love you.
.e.
Here's what i think. If I truly let go; If I truly allowed myself to live life out in the open, unapologetically, I risk losing myself completely. So, i harbor my thoughts, suppress my emotions, and watch from afar....always. And, eventually, the truth becomes too muddled to be of any immediate importance. However, I fear it is only a matter of time before the contents I've forced beneath the surface of my conscience bubbles to the surface. I know I am only fighting off the inevitable, yet i continue to live half of my waking life on mute because I have it in my thick head that the world, including myself, simply cannot handle Eva, uncensored. And, deep down inside I know that I'd rather die exposed to the world than live to suffer alone anyways, so why should I hold back so much?. The answer is simple and human; It's fear. What would happen If i were to completely let go? Would I become a monster? Would I become bitter and miserable towards the world once the naive walls I've chosen to live behind came tumbling down? Would I become a freak? Would I become an addict? An addict of what? Although I have faith in the fact that things will always become worse before they get better, at what cost would it be? I've seen glimpses of my uncensored self. She can be pretty intense.
Or maybe nothing would happen at all.
THAT'S the scariest thought of all.
]]>Eva has been changing jobs, and living out of boxes and suitcases for the past 2 months, which is why she never writes on here anymore. =) When she moves into her new apartment in Brooklyn on August 1st, things should settle down a bit and perhaps she'll take up blogging again. That is all.
.e.
]]>I have entered a hair competition with some amazing hairstylist-friends of mine who made me look amazing.
If we win, i get flow to chicago for the next rounds =)
Here's to owning the competition!!!
p.s. thank you Pascal for your wonderful eye ;-)
.e.
]]>I will be playing the violin in an orchestra for the Ballet/Opera production of Hansel and Gretel at the Lyceum in Brooklyn. For Dates and tickets click here even though i doubt anyone will come =)
If you're friends with me on facebook, you've probably allready seen this, so this is for the rest of you lot.This shoot was done a few(?) months ago in a recording studio in NYC. Don't ask me the name, because I forgot. and yes, I actualy enjoy(understatement) the band whos shirt I am wearing. This was no 'im going to pretend I know this band by wearing a t-shirt that the stylist picked out as i take moderately sexy pictures in it so everyone will think i'm cool' type of gig...
just so you know.
Ugh I hate those people. Of course, I'd never know whos legit and who's not.
For all YOU know, I could be lying.
Think about that one while I go look up who Pink Floyd is on wikipedia.
Totally kidding.
or am i????????