Posts (page 2)

I think I mentally fail at being in touch with my feminine side. I forget to do so, because I am too busy being in human mode. Also, and lets be honest here, the basic average female thought = scary or lame depending on how you look at it. But, maybe I need some simplicity in my life. hmmm, yes, maybe I should do more 'girly' things. Maybe I should just sit back for a moment, and be okay with the whole 'sit and look pretty' scenario. Maybe I should let myself be spoiled once in a while. Maybe I shouldn't treat all males as my equal, and immediately group them into a. good baby maker or b. poor baby maker groups instead, and assume that they want to do me in the vajayjay any available second. Maybe I should care about how I look more consistently since the majority of the time, I’m too lazy to spend more than 15 minutes on my hair, and in 'girly' world, that's blasphemous. But, if I try it, maybe more guys will notice me???!????????
Maybeeee I should whore it up a bit. If I’ve got it, flaunt it right? I mean, what else are pheromones and other god-given physical assets and qualities inbred in females used for, hu? Oh, I know! Maybeee i should start posting bumper stickers on my facebook that showcase quotes like 'socialite in the making' or 'some girls are just born with glitter in their veins-Paris Hilton.' And, when I go out with 'my girlies' to eat (and of course gossip about Britney Spears' latest endeavor), my drink of choice will either be the Cosmopolitan or Appletini. NEVER beer, because that's wayyy too many cals; which reminds me, I think I'm going to start to make degrading comments about myself out loud in public .You know, common 'girly' sayings such as, 'OMGG, I'M SO UGLY!' or 'OMGGGGG I LOOK LIKE A WHALE TODAY, I'M FUCKING DISGUSTING' all said in a half jokingly manner to make sure people know how serious I take my role as a Girl.
If I do these things, maybe I’ll feel more adequate and less like an outcast in society. Maybe, life won't kick me in the ass as hard, and I’ll get a cute boyfriend I can show off to my friends, and constantly be jealous over. Or maybe, all those who fall into the 'girly' category should go kill themselves because you're making me look like a fucking douche bag.

Just a thought....

err...but seriously, I really do think I could use a more feminine mindset at times...

Girly /gur-lee/

adjective, noun,

A special kind of female, also known as a 'dumb twat' whos sole contribution to society involve lots of makeup, time wasted in front of a mirror, cattiness, minimal brain usage, and a bunch of other things that aren't worth mentioning because it doesn't fucking matter.

I miss passionate, thoroughly consuming love! I miss letting myself get caught up in the moment! I miss how I used to feel when I was 16; when love and its entourage were still new to me, and every single moment was beyond exhilarating. Those heart pounding wildly in your chest-hands slightly shaking-wide eyed kind of moments when your so overwhelmed by the intensity and beauty of the situation, you can barely contain yourself. God, It seems like forever since I’ve looked at someone and been unable to breathe…

I miss that fire!
I miss that spontaneity!
I miss that uncertainty!

lately, I’ve been numb.

I’ve been a bit numb for a while, actually.

A good portion of it is self inflicted, and now I fear I may never feel again.

woe is me.

Hi all!

First off, i want to apologize for not updating as frequently as i could be. I have been very busy, mostly cause of overly excessive partying and working minimum wage jobs i'd rather not talk about =)

On the creative front, however, i am going through a bit of a transition. I have decided to put most of my time and effort into music, and to take a step back from dancing.
Not that i don't enjoy it or am giving it up completely but, music IS my first passion. At the end of the day, I'd rather put all of my energy into becoming a better musician, then in becoming a better dancer.
 And just so you know, being a professional dancer takes a lot of talent and work! You have to stay in shape, take classes, audition like crazy, hustle to get gigs, do a lot of free work, and it's competitive as hell because so many people are great dancers!
To be honest, I know im good, but im not AMAZING. I'd be perfectly fulfilled just going out with my friends, and dancing my little black heart out, in which i do quite often =) yayy!

Sooo while i won't give up any future gigs, i won't be going out of my way anymore to make it happen. Right now, it's all about the music!

having said that, not only am i playing (barely) bass and singing in a alt. rock band with a few good friends, i am also working on a side solo project with a producer friend that currently has a trip hop/industrial vibe to it. I couldn't be more ecstatic to what's to come on both ends. Two very different sounds, yes, but I love it all so get used to it suckassss.

oh and look out for future modeling projects as well =)

i know there are probably 0348230948 typos and grammatical errors in this post, but it is 5am and my brain is currently a blob of squishy mass.

peace and love, deceit and foulness,

evalish.

the inner child of my being has come out to play
life’s seduction paired with lost hours - an altered reality has come underway
as i sit and ponder, i feel it’s playful touch- hear its low murmur of discontentment
senses reset as i begin to feel the effects of my open heart
this stab of emotion and the unfairness of it all
evil has winked at me, and i shudder for its acknowledgment

i stop to turn these pages
texts and tidbits about happiness used to mother me, ease my day
in the meantime, i'll whisper to myself:
you know nothing
they know nothing
and i want everything
everything but this curse which has been engraved onto my existence
just ignore this dull pain

i’ll take it and make pretty colors
an old vow to make the world bright and worthy
worthy of my presence- of my passionate embrace
will you join me?
will you come out and play?
A weak smile. A beating heart. A young girl.